this is my forever

this is my forever
a minute this hour that screams at me and never
ever
ever does it pass
the same moment hour after hour
making this feeling last
and it doesnt go away
same feelings everyday
and theres nothing i can do
or say
it just desires to stay
and now my desires have gone astray
and with them my future and hopes to replay
that moment over
the one that killed my future is sober
ing
and killing me
blinding the world to see
who i am without the label
it was what i did
silly kid
unfortunately no fable
but today i am more stable
although this is still my future
and the dreams of my past
that should have taken place by now
are but a moment that lasts
in my world
the things we do as girls
to gain the validation that we lacked
the days our hair was in curls
and bows
and we were all little miss twinkle toes
without a care in the air and dolls and ribbons everywhere
never did i see
this future laid out for me
but this
this is my forever
a woman now but never
would anyone have seen
the way this broken home has become a reality
and the window pains
are covered with blood stains
with sweat
and tears
and the closets are hung with jackets and fears
unsure of tomorrow and who will be there
the hallways are empty
the kitchen is bare
but this
this is my forever
and where a home once sat
a heart it lacks
for the only completion
was lying incomplete on her back
and now this
this is my forever.

JC

because we are all betrayers,

taking silver and eating body and blood

and asking (guilty) is it i?

and hearing him say yes

it would be simple for us to rush

out and hang ourselves;

but if we find grace to weep and wait, 

after the voice of mourning

has crowed in our ears, 

clearly enough to break our hearts, 

He will be there to ask us each again...

"do you love me?"

all that glitters...

i dreamt once i was a unicorn

five foot wings and feathers worn

flying for the first time since born

without a care to mourn

universe beyond universes time

i saw things to be my prime

and other things dingy as grime

as i floated over the sublime

one corner turned and there a sight

eyes hadnt seen on this first flight

all the sun and no more night

nothing there could cause me fright

reflections showed my newfound face

structures that once had no place

now fit just right into this space

my new mystical body covered in grace

my legs were sturdy as the trees

as i galloped over this eternity

freedom softly spoke decrees

that kept my spirit at ease

and as i woke to this same home

i realized the dream was not my own

it was but the truth that i was shown

of the place i will one day roam

10.3.09

guilt with the thickness of molasses

gets harder to swallow every moment that passes

and although it is often wrapped in a lovely package

one cant ignore and must stop the acting

that its taste is easy to bear

because its flavor will easily wear

you down in hopes that youll spit it out

at this point youd rather it be sauerkraut

or even black licorice...

anything but this

because its rancid taste makes you so pissed

and theres nothing that you can do

to rid the guilt engulfing you

like gretel you've been thrown into the stew

and your emotions are left to brew

but dont add salt because the wound wont heal

you think that it might make you feel

better about whats cooking inside

but the pot is empty and guilt still resides

your exposed and theres no point to hide

it seems that this will never subside.

AWE 10.2.09

starlight star bright

first star i see tonight

i wish i may

i wish i might

know this god that shines so bright...

a universe within itself

makes the outside cosmos melt

at the existence of space that cant be felt

by a human soul eagerly knelt

before the vast one that indwells

this timeless void

of empty space and noise

light-years beyond a world destroyed

by the feeble thinking of a man named freud

one sits in hopes to understand

as theories crash together in mans hands

and no one knows where the lies actually stand

because no one looks into the truth of the land

and the universe in all its glory

sings loudly a magnificent story

of creation and infinite wisdom thats poorly

been replaced

by identity that has been displaced

and man has taken away the grace

of the galaxies many beaming faces

and creation lives with but a trace

of the knowledge of the creators place

in this space......this amazing space.

trunk 9.19.09

fear awakes in the night

hope wrestles with what is right

as the moon looses its light

in her eyes her future might

fall into hands that arent to be trusted

because these hands are the ones that busted

and bruised

her fragile body and she sits awake and confused

because this path she didnt choose

and she still thinks she"ll loose

all ability to regain

a life that is sane

and shell pray to abstain

from that pain once again

though she feels alone and unheard

the thought of hopelessness is absurd

because her life is assured

and she has this moment in time

to take reign of her life

to move towards all that is right

and away from the fights

that cause hate to ignite

she was created in love

from one to another her soul was shoved

into everything that ever was

and she will soar like a dove

away from this heartache

and into the safe place

of trust

and into HIM she will thrust

every fiber she must

to come out higher

she is a fighter

and shes already WON...

her heart awakes with the SON.

a new day 9.6.09

living water now flows

daily through my soul

and in its river i am made whole

in the moment hope streams

cascading through my dreams

and in an instant it all seems

like this is what deems

A NEW DAY

the gleaming dawn breaks away

and im not left alone to say

where has it gone?

awakened in me i can now move on

with understanding of what went wrong

and how to move forward

because this has been conquered

i no longer saunter

through this world leisurely

i know where i must be

to attain all thats made for me

with an open fist

i grip the mist

and no longer do i resist

my purposes and why i exist