4

flowers & fluff.the day has started.dress is hanging.mom is here.girls are here.hair and makeup on. its NOW.i cant believe it s today.this is really happening.ive waited so long.HE CHOSE ME!i hope he likes his ring.iwonder if hes nervous.im suprisingly calm.what is he up to right now?its so beautiful.the flowers are beautiful.my ring is beautiful.perfect.breathe.enjoy this day.this is it.only today.embrace each moment.remember this day.
in four years you wont celebrate this day.enjoy it now.youll be alone and broken on a slow road to healing. you will be healed though.youll be ok.so dont worry.just enjoy today.love him today more than you ever could.your immaturity will wound him.your insecurity will break this bond.its not going to last so just love him now. love him. even for just this day.lovehim.even though he wont father your children.lovehim.even though he wont see your first grey hair.love him.even though he dies with another.love him.even though you hurt him he forgave you so LOVE HIM.

free

a feeling that emerges
from the depth of my soul
a contentment that heals the wounds
and makes me whole
an understanding of who i am
just as me
as i was intended to be
completely incomplete and free

no wandering eyes
seeking a wandering prize
that takes flight into the night skies
without return
that leaves the heart to yearn
for something greater in turn
for what is had
dad

confident in the woman i am
confident that i dont need a hand
but desiring still someone to stand
with
kid
but until then i can still live
im alive
as myself
no need to strive to be something else
im not
the time will come when it ought
and what will be will be
i will be sought
out

so my home is where my heart is
and there my treasure is also
every moment i smile
because im running destinys mile
and ive made it through the trial
so now im complete
on my own two feet
and "whats meant to be will be"
so all i can do is be me....

free

paper

little girls are told that theyll end up happy
happily ever after is said
over and over again
and no one ever said
that the happy could end
would end

mom gave me a heart made of paper
said to protect it and keep it safer
than the toys i played with and abused
because they were played so much and used
for things they ought not
but as a child i was never taught
that things had such value
and i may not get another
if i didnt care to bother
to keep what i had safe
so watch how you play....dear

i took my heart made of paper with me through life
i didnt keep it safe and it gave me strife
because i threw it out to whomever would catch it
though they never fetched it
from me
and now its quite hard to see
what its supposed to be
because its been put in too many pockets
when i shouldve just locked it up
instead i gave it away
and once they got my paper they didnt stay
and i thought paper would make them play
but now my paper heart is finding its way
into MY pocket to stay
until its asked for
and promised to be protected
not thrown on a dresser and left with
a pile of other girls paper hearts
that have all been neglected
no my heart is with me today
until someone desires to put it away
in their special place where its the ONLY ONE
itll be locked up and safe until that day comes
and i patiently wait
with my paper heart up to fate
to be placed on the right plate
and there isnt a date
im just here
happy and sincere
with MY heart in my pocket
and im  not ready to give it to anyone....
so stop it.

hurt

there was once a time
when i felt like the whole world cared

there once was a time
when i felt like no one was there

i live in a time
in which feelings are never spared
and this self feels despair
because it sits awake in the fear
that this moment isnt aware

of the loneliness thats felt
because of the hand that has been dealt

and its life is now a joker
no longer the queen
insignificant and unseen
it knows this ought to be a dream
but its not
and the pain still pokes her

theres a labyrinth that surrounds every breath
its walls are high and it purpose is death
in which up is down and right is left
the way out not in sight
confusion drowns out the theft

of the focus once had
on a future now sad
and father time cant be mad
because time was never bad

to this situation
it just slowly crept in
and stole the youth that promised hope
but anger cant fester and mope
even though time didnt allow it to cope

it just pressed in
and HURT.

this is my forever

this is my forever
a minute this hour that screams at me and never
ever
ever does it pass
the same moment hour after hour
making this feeling last
and it doesnt go away
same feelings everyday
and theres nothing i can do
or say
it just desires to stay
and now my desires have gone astray
and with them my future and hopes to replay
that moment over
the one that killed my future is sober
ing
and killing me
blinding the world to see
who i am without the label
it was what i did
silly kid
unfortunately no fable
but today i am more stable
although this is still my future
and the dreams of my past
that should have taken place by now
are but a moment that lasts
in my world
the things we do as girls
to gain the validation that we lacked
the days our hair was in curls
and bows
and we were all little miss twinkle toes
without a care in the air and dolls and ribbons everywhere
never did i see
this future laid out for me
but this
this is my forever
a woman now but never
would anyone have seen
the way this broken home has become a reality
and the window pains
are covered with blood stains
with sweat
and tears
and the closets are hung with jackets and fears
unsure of tomorrow and who will be there
the hallways are empty
the kitchen is bare
but this
this is my forever
and where a home once sat
a heart it lacks
for the only completion
was lying incomplete on her back
and now this
this is my forever.

JC

because we are all betrayers,

taking silver and eating body and blood

and asking (guilty) is it i?

and hearing him say yes

it would be simple for us to rush

out and hang ourselves;

but if we find grace to weep and wait, 

after the voice of mourning

has crowed in our ears, 

clearly enough to break our hearts, 

He will be there to ask us each again...

"do you love me?"

all that glitters...

i dreamt once i was a unicorn

five foot wings and feathers worn

flying for the first time since born

without a care to mourn

universe beyond universes time

i saw things to be my prime

and other things dingy as grime

as i floated over the sublime

one corner turned and there a sight

eyes hadnt seen on this first flight

all the sun and no more night

nothing there could cause me fright

reflections showed my newfound face

structures that once had no place

now fit just right into this space

my new mystical body covered in grace

my legs were sturdy as the trees

as i galloped over this eternity

freedom softly spoke decrees

that kept my spirit at ease

and as i woke to this same home

i realized the dream was not my own

it was but the truth that i was shown

of the place i will one day roam